Monday, August 2, 2010

Bedhead: A Waltz

This morning I woke up angry and at this point I am still not certain as to what or why I am feeling like this. It is not typical for me to wake up "on the wrong side of bed" but today sure feels like I did. I initially thought to myself, "well maybe you're angry because it's Monday and Monday means it's back to work?" Yes that idea alone can be frustrating but it did not seem to relieve the tension. Then I remembered that I had the unfortunate task of writing a statement to my human resources department about something unsavory I witnessed last week at work regarding a colleague. That definitely agitated me because I am not sure how I feel about what I saw. Aside from that, my angst has not subsided. Am I angry because it is four in the morning which means time to go to work? Not quite. Has my bank account grown exponentially from the time when I last checked? Probably not. Then what could it be?
I haven't been in at work since last Wednesday so I know I can not use the beloved excuse of fatigue. No I'm certain my trouble goes deeper than that. I started to think about my friends and family and like a metal detector my anger seemed to pick up on something. I did not realize it but last night, as I went to bed, I went to sleep uneasy... sort of... worried. Because I went to bed in that state of mind, I woke up with nothing resolved, and perhaps only more anxiety and confusion.
This might be my downfall in life, but I am the kind of person who wants to make everyone's life happier and more fulfilled. When something is not right in someone's life, or even when someone is going through a rough patch, in comes J.Fable with black spandex tights and a red cape to the rescue (Well not exactly though the image is humorous). I go to bed with everyone's troubles and sometimes I forget my own. Sometimes it would be nice to remove myself from what is going on with those around me, at least when it's time to rest my head but unfortunately, I'm not programmed that way.
I had dinner with a couple of close friends last night and one of my friends said something that really struck a chord with me. "People are going to do what they want because they want to." Yes, an idea so simple yet lots of us spend time trying to expand on someone's behavior when really... they are the ones who are making the choices they see fit for themselves. I forget that no one agrees to anything, says something, or does anything unless they are fully committed to whatever it is. We like to blame outside sources for decisions that seem to have been made on a whim, or plans that do not seem fully thought out because we all like to believe that our beloved friend or family member is a lot wiser than that. The reality is, the person making those decisions is gaining something out of them and is fully responsible for what ever happens after. My friend said something else that made me reevaluate my position in my loved ones lives, "As their friend, you need to let them fall, and not help them." Sounds harsh I know, but I also know where she is coming from. How is anyone supposed to learn from a decision they made when someone is waiting on the other end in case something goes wrong, with open arms and a plate of cookies? To an extent, it is our duty to provide an open ear, and some words of wisdom, but no matter how much you care about someone, one has to trust that that person knows what he or she is doing and that they can handle everything that comes from the decisions they have made.

Now would you look at that, I am starting to feel slightly better all ready :)